Imagine you’re sitting at your desk, working on something important. You’re in the middle of a project, you’ve gathered the materials you need, and you have a clear idea of what you want to accomplish. Someone walks over, points to something you’re using, and says they want it. Before you can respond, another adult tells you, “You need to share.” Would you hand it over? Probably not. You were using it, you had a plan for it, and you weren’t finished. Yet we expect young children to do exactly that, often without a second thought.
We tell children to share because we want them to be kind, considerate, and generous. We want them to learn to get along with others and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around their individual wants. These are important lessons, but I wonder whether insisting that children share something they’re still using actually teaches any of them.
Think about a child who has spent twenty minutes building a structure with blocks. They’ve carefully selected pieces, experimented with different arrangements, and have an idea of what they want to build next. Another child approaches and wants one of the blocks. The adult, hoping to avoid conflict, says, “You need to share. Give them a turn.” But what about the child who was already using it? What about their thinking, their plan, and the work they’ve invested in? We wouldn’t interrupt an adult in the middle of a project and insist they hand over their materials simply because someone else wanted them. Why should we expect something different from children?
Sharing should be an act of generosity, not something children are required to do on demand. That doesn’t mean children should be allowed to keep every material indefinitely or that another child’s needs don’t matter. It means recognizing that being in the middle of something deserves respect, regardless of age. When a child is deeply engaged in their work, they may not be ready to give up a material, and that’s okay.
Instead of insisting that they share immediately, we might acknowledge both children’s perspectives. We could say to the child using the material, “You’re still working with that. Let me know when you’re finished.” To the child who is waiting, we might say, “I can see you want that, too. It’s being used right now. What could you do while you wait?” Neither child is wrong. One is engaged in something meaningful, and the other has a genuine desire to use the same material. These moments offer opportunities to learn about patience, communication, boundaries, and respect for others.
Sometimes children find their own solutions. They may decide to work together, negotiate an exchange, or discover another material that serves the same purpose. Other times, they need support navigating the disappointment of waiting. And sometimes the answer is simply that the material isn’t available yet. I think adults often feel uncomfortable with that answer. We don’t want children to be upset, and we certainly don’t want to appear as though we’re encouraging selfishness. So we step in, direct the exchange, and call it sharing. But what has either child actually learned? The child who was required to give something up may feel that their work wasn’t important enough to protect. The child who received it may learn that asking an adult is a way to get something someone else is using. Neither experience necessarily builds generosity or empathy.
True generosity develops when children have opportunities to make choices about giving, helping, and considering others. It can’t always be hurried along by an adult’s instruction. There’s also an important difference between sharing materials and sharing an experience. Children can work alongside one another, contribute ideas, and collaborate without being required to surrender whatever is in their hands. Cooperation doesn’t always mean everyone gets the same thing at the same time.
Of course, there are situations where adults need to establish limits. Materials belong to a shared classroom community, and everyone deserves opportunities to use them. A child cannot claim something forever simply because they touched it first. Thoughtful expectations about taking turns, caring for shared materials, and making room for others are part of learning to live in a community. But those expectations don’t have to come at the expense of respecting a child’s work. In fact, when children experience that respect themselves, they have opportunities to develop a deeper understanding of what it means to respect others.
Perhaps we need to reconsider what we’re really asking when we tell a child to share. Are we helping them understand another person’s perspective? Are we supporting them in developing generosity and consideration? Or are we simply trying to resolve an uncomfortable situation as quickly as possible? The next time a child is reluctant to hand something over, we might pause before labeling them selfish or reminding them that sharing is caring. Maybe they’re not refusing to be kind. Maybe they’re simply not finished.